Friday, December 21, 2012
Tis The Season For Re-gifting, Fa La La La La, La La La, Blah
As dawn breaks in the Atlanta airport and I sit en route to xmas in the sun, I didn't want to miss the chance to leave you with some parting thoughts prior to the end of the year. And, with the holidays in full swing and the Christmas around the corner, this week I finalized the many gifts I had to send to family before leaving town. As I packed the gifts and wrapped them in boxes, I smiled as I looked at the many lovely things I had collected over the past year, each one unique - for that special someone who's name popped into my head when I spotted the item originally. But in the process, I also lamented the other pile of gifts in the closet that I still have no idea what to do with… my heart skipped a beat thinking about what might be coming my way this holiday season. Yes, it reminded me of the many things related to the holiday gift giving that drive me nuts. Not that I don't love to get gifts. I do. People who say they don't are lying. What they mean to say – which is what I mean to say – is this. Please, if you want to give me a gift, just make it something meaningful. It doesn't have to be expensive. Just meaningful. It's doesn't take a lot of money to make or give the gift of something meaningful. It might even not cost any money at all. What I am trying to say is, please, keep the crap for yourself.
I really love to find something unique and giving it to that special someone. I spend vacations shopping, nights with catalogs, and other times searching online to find unique, practical things - I think you all will really like. But every year I have that sinking feeling as the holidays approach and I head for the gift closet for the wrapping paper – that something I don't want to deal with lies on the other side of the door. I open it - and KABOOM. I see it. Right there in front of me. It looms above me like a stack of books on the top of the Cat In The Hat's Hat. The piles and piles and miles and miles of the "other gifts." Yes, the "other gifts" - you know, the the slew of other things amassed over the past few years – those less special, odd, to be politically correct, things that have come across our threshold from those less interested in finding that unique gift for us. Yes, those re–gifted gifts. Let's just call them what what they are. And just because you bought it for yourself and changed your mind (as opposed to getting it from someone else and then giving to me) does not mean it's not re-gifted. It is.
So, in the spirit of less is more, in these final days before Christmas, I'd like to take a moment to offer some friendly advice. I know we are all busy – so let's keep this entry short and sweet.
1) Leave your crappy bottle of wine on your own bar. I don't need it on mine, and no one else does either. And PS – if you just buy a nice bottle of wine, even the re-giftee will be happy to get it.
2) If you don't like it – donate it to charity or offer it to someone with full disclosure for what it is – and see if they want it before you wrap it up and try to pass it off as something new to me.
3) No, I do not need another lingerie bag. I couldn't possible have that much lingerie (and the same for "cashmere" scarves from Hong Kong).
4) Go with a gift certificate. Yes, it's always hard to choose the amount – and yes, it might give away just how little you have spent on me – but really – I would rather pick something out that I need or want, than have you wrap up your sloppy seconds and pass them on to me.
5) If you are going to re-gift no matter what, then mark down who originally gave it to you – because there is nothing quite as insulting as getting back the very thing I gave to you last year, and having to smile and say thank you.
6) If you are going to pass on a corporate gift, make sure it doesn't have a logo embossed inside that will make it totally clear to me that you re-gifted your corporate gift and tried to pass it off as your own. Yes, especially NetJets stuff – because it's especially insulting to know that you spent enough chartering jets this year that they sent you such a lovely gift, and yet you still couldn't spend your own money on me.
7) I don't want the contents of the gift bag from the awesome benefit you went to last week. Unless it came from the Oscar's or the Grammy's, keep your second rate swag.
8) If you're going to give it, don't fake it. I don't want your fake Hermes or Channel. Even if it looks real, at some point I am going to find out. So don't embarrass me by forcing me to take a watch to Channel for a battery change, only to find out from them (who now think I am an idiot, by the way) that I have been thanking your profusely for a fake.
9) Keep the crap you found in some third world market that you thought looked so cool when you saw it there – got it home – and only then realized just how cheesy it is. If it's too cheesy for you, it's too cheesy for me.
10) Simplify your life and mine. Make a donation to charity. For your sake, mine and the people in this world who really need the help.
Yes – that's it – it's very simple. I won't torture you anymore. But I will say this – if it's top shelf, unworn, gorgeous stuff – feel free to pass it on. Things that fall into this category – think good champagne, good wine, unused Hermes, Channel and of course, Jewelry (as long is it's the kind you did not get in Goa – the one that the jeweler will ask my why I am fixing when I take it to him in two years… But really – as I said – the simpler the better. You can even ask me what I like. What the kids like, what my husband likes. Or – just tell me you didn't have time to get anything and send a Starbucks card. Really – it's all good. I will still love you – and I will still be your friend. Especially, by the way, if you keep that absolutely heinous pat work pillow that I would NEVER put in my living room…
I hope I have helped you in these final days. Be safe, travel well and here's to a happy and healthy 2013.
Crank Out (for 2012).
Monday, January 9, 2012
Cranky New Yorker's New Years' Resolution
I want to start by wishing you all a very happy and healthy 2012 - I hope this year brings you great happiness and peace.
Now, onto my new years' resolution. If you are hoping or even thinking that my new years' resolution is to un-crank, well, sorry, not going to happen. After a brief respite on the right coast, returning to the southwest corner of nowhere, specifically at the intersection of laid back and off kilter, has made me sufficiently cranky. So let me resolve to set a resolution that I can keep. In the year 2012, I do solemnly swear not to forward any chain letters of any kind to my beloved family and friends, acquaintances and colleagues.
I hate chain letters. Really. I hate them. I know you do too. I mean, who starts these things anyway? Do they just go around and around in circles? Is there a point at which they just stop? Do the same people get them all the time? Has anyone ever actually had a tangible improvement in their life post sending one? So many questions. So few answers. But one consistent feeling. Hate. We all hate them! I got one the other day. Second one in a month from the same person. She must hate me - right? I think so. I told her (no names of course Keri), not to do it anymore. The entire concept of chain letters is completely unnerving to me because I am incredibly superstitious and riddled with Jewish guilt. So not only are they annoying to begin with, for me it's a double burden. First, I feel completely guilty not sending them because I'm certain I will be the only one to break the chain. (Oh, and by the way - same for those silly recipe and book buying clubs for those of you have been sending those - oops, I didn't send on). Second, I am convinced that if I don't send them on, I will be the victim of some terrible circumstance, like having the Ronald McDonald float at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade knock over a light post and land on my head (also horrific because I'm terrified of clowns). Rationally speaking we all know chain letters don't work, and that they have no real relevance. But it's unfair to send a chain letter to an obsessive compulsive, abnormally superstitious, guilt-prone person like me. It's just plain mean.
So today, I have decided to break the cycle. A new year, a new day. I am done with them! So, to you who sent it to me the other day - hear me now. The buck stops here. You can no longer prey on my guilt and my devout superstitiousness to proliferate your karma Ponzi scheme and manifest your hypothetical good luck. You are on your own. And, by the way, I don't believe that the simple act of pressing "forward" on your outlook, and then pasting in eight names of people who you think won't mind that you have sent it to them, will bring you good luck. And, FYI, we do mind. All eight of us. So DELETE me from your "chain letter distribution list." And for those of you who have me on your list as well, take me off - because I will not be your good energy mule. And for all of you who have been on my list in the past, you are off.
Ah, the list. So interesting. When I got the email the other day it got me thinking. How sweet - she always thinks of me for these things. She must really want me to have good luck. Hardly. She had the same thought I did... Crap. Crap. Crap. I can't be the one to end this thing - this, THIS is bigger than me. This is karma we're talking about, and it's a new year. Crap. Who am I going to send this to...? It has to be the exact list of people who won't block me from future communication because they are so annoyed that I sent it to them. So, hmm. Well, first, it can include that group that always sends them to me, ex the one who just sent it to me - annoying. Second, it should definitely have that element of people who are big enough suckers that they will continue to perpetuate the myth of the letter. And third, most importantly, it can be people who like me, but don't really hear from me that much - so they'll be happy just to hear from me no matter what the content. Ah yes, my friend. I know why you put me on that list. So here's a tip, I am NOT excited to hear from you. I don't really care. If you want to send me an email, in the future, give me something to chew on. Something with substance. I saw a great video with a catchy tune called "fry that chicken" on you tube. My friend Dawn sent it. It made me laugh. Why couldn't you send me something like that? Or Justin Timberlake's "Dick In Box" video from Saturday Night Live - a classic. I wouldn't mind getting that link.
And so, this allows me to address one of my biggest problems with email in general. It's too easy. It breeds no character, and it makes communication, good or bad, too simple. Think of how many things you might not have said in 2011 if you hadn't had immediate access to email in order to vent your frustrations. Think of how many controversial emails you saw that you weren't supposed to, until the sender accidentally hit "reply all." And think of how much nicer, how much more subtle and respectful all of those conversations might have been in person, if you had had to see them face to face in order to say what you wanted to say. Of course I am not saying I don't love email. I do. I love it. Hate chain letters, love email. After all, I would be stuck in this corner of the world alone and talking pretty much only to myself, stuck with all these thoughts roaming around my head if I couldn't access you all so readily. Twitter and Facebook, love em. Al Gore - love him. After all - where would the internet be without him? But with the good, comes the bad and the annoying. Chain letters, they are annoying. Imagine what would have happened to the chain letter if you still had to Xerox them (yes, I used the word Xerox), write out eight actual envelopes, stamp and mail them. The answer is, they would be dead. Who in the world would go through all that trouble. Certainly not the internet generation. If you said to a young kid today that you were going to mail a chain letter - you'd be dead in the modern world.
So, in reviewing the events of 2011. I thought to myself, what can I do to improve the world in 2012? In the era of the rise of Tim Tebow as an NFL sensation and a new Presidential election cycle, what can I do to make an impact? Kill the chain letter. That's right, we all know it would make people happy. Out with the occupy wall street movement, and in with the kill the chain letter movement. It's a portable kind of movement and you don't even have to leave your house to fulfill its mission. All you have to do, is do nothing. It's perfect! Do nothing. Just don't forward those letters. Let's simplify our lives and give ourselves one less thing to do.
So, while I wish you a happy new year, at the same time, I would like to appeal to your good senses. I urge you to make a commitment to make other people's lives easier and not prey on those more superstitious than ourselves. No more chain letters or emails of any kind. And if you send them to me, you can bet it's going nowhere... I will not pass it on. This house of cards ends with me.
Happy 2012. Re-gifting is the next topic. It was a fruitful Hanukah. Just think, one of those too-hot-to-hold-onto gifts may be coming your way soon... :)
Crank-out.
Now, onto my new years' resolution. If you are hoping or even thinking that my new years' resolution is to un-crank, well, sorry, not going to happen. After a brief respite on the right coast, returning to the southwest corner of nowhere, specifically at the intersection of laid back and off kilter, has made me sufficiently cranky. So let me resolve to set a resolution that I can keep. In the year 2012, I do solemnly swear not to forward any chain letters of any kind to my beloved family and friends, acquaintances and colleagues.
I hate chain letters. Really. I hate them. I know you do too. I mean, who starts these things anyway? Do they just go around and around in circles? Is there a point at which they just stop? Do the same people get them all the time? Has anyone ever actually had a tangible improvement in their life post sending one? So many questions. So few answers. But one consistent feeling. Hate. We all hate them! I got one the other day. Second one in a month from the same person. She must hate me - right? I think so. I told her (no names of course Keri), not to do it anymore. The entire concept of chain letters is completely unnerving to me because I am incredibly superstitious and riddled with Jewish guilt. So not only are they annoying to begin with, for me it's a double burden. First, I feel completely guilty not sending them because I'm certain I will be the only one to break the chain. (Oh, and by the way - same for those silly recipe and book buying clubs for those of you have been sending those - oops, I didn't send on). Second, I am convinced that if I don't send them on, I will be the victim of some terrible circumstance, like having the Ronald McDonald float at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade knock over a light post and land on my head (also horrific because I'm terrified of clowns). Rationally speaking we all know chain letters don't work, and that they have no real relevance. But it's unfair to send a chain letter to an obsessive compulsive, abnormally superstitious, guilt-prone person like me. It's just plain mean.
So today, I have decided to break the cycle. A new year, a new day. I am done with them! So, to you who sent it to me the other day - hear me now. The buck stops here. You can no longer prey on my guilt and my devout superstitiousness to proliferate your karma Ponzi scheme and manifest your hypothetical good luck. You are on your own. And, by the way, I don't believe that the simple act of pressing "forward" on your outlook, and then pasting in eight names of people who you think won't mind that you have sent it to them, will bring you good luck. And, FYI, we do mind. All eight of us. So DELETE me from your "chain letter distribution list." And for those of you who have me on your list as well, take me off - because I will not be your good energy mule. And for all of you who have been on my list in the past, you are off.
Ah, the list. So interesting. When I got the email the other day it got me thinking. How sweet - she always thinks of me for these things. She must really want me to have good luck. Hardly. She had the same thought I did... Crap. Crap. Crap. I can't be the one to end this thing - this, THIS is bigger than me. This is karma we're talking about, and it's a new year. Crap. Who am I going to send this to...? It has to be the exact list of people who won't block me from future communication because they are so annoyed that I sent it to them. So, hmm. Well, first, it can include that group that always sends them to me, ex the one who just sent it to me - annoying. Second, it should definitely have that element of people who are big enough suckers that they will continue to perpetuate the myth of the letter. And third, most importantly, it can be people who like me, but don't really hear from me that much - so they'll be happy just to hear from me no matter what the content. Ah yes, my friend. I know why you put me on that list. So here's a tip, I am NOT excited to hear from you. I don't really care. If you want to send me an email, in the future, give me something to chew on. Something with substance. I saw a great video with a catchy tune called "fry that chicken" on you tube. My friend Dawn sent it. It made me laugh. Why couldn't you send me something like that? Or Justin Timberlake's "Dick In Box" video from Saturday Night Live - a classic. I wouldn't mind getting that link.
And so, this allows me to address one of my biggest problems with email in general. It's too easy. It breeds no character, and it makes communication, good or bad, too simple. Think of how many things you might not have said in 2011 if you hadn't had immediate access to email in order to vent your frustrations. Think of how many controversial emails you saw that you weren't supposed to, until the sender accidentally hit "reply all." And think of how much nicer, how much more subtle and respectful all of those conversations might have been in person, if you had had to see them face to face in order to say what you wanted to say. Of course I am not saying I don't love email. I do. I love it. Hate chain letters, love email. After all, I would be stuck in this corner of the world alone and talking pretty much only to myself, stuck with all these thoughts roaming around my head if I couldn't access you all so readily. Twitter and Facebook, love em. Al Gore - love him. After all - where would the internet be without him? But with the good, comes the bad and the annoying. Chain letters, they are annoying. Imagine what would have happened to the chain letter if you still had to Xerox them (yes, I used the word Xerox), write out eight actual envelopes, stamp and mail them. The answer is, they would be dead. Who in the world would go through all that trouble. Certainly not the internet generation. If you said to a young kid today that you were going to mail a chain letter - you'd be dead in the modern world.
So, in reviewing the events of 2011. I thought to myself, what can I do to improve the world in 2012? In the era of the rise of Tim Tebow as an NFL sensation and a new Presidential election cycle, what can I do to make an impact? Kill the chain letter. That's right, we all know it would make people happy. Out with the occupy wall street movement, and in with the kill the chain letter movement. It's a portable kind of movement and you don't even have to leave your house to fulfill its mission. All you have to do, is do nothing. It's perfect! Do nothing. Just don't forward those letters. Let's simplify our lives and give ourselves one less thing to do.
So, while I wish you a happy new year, at the same time, I would like to appeal to your good senses. I urge you to make a commitment to make other people's lives easier and not prey on those more superstitious than ourselves. No more chain letters or emails of any kind. And if you send them to me, you can bet it's going nowhere... I will not pass it on. This house of cards ends with me.
Happy 2012. Re-gifting is the next topic. It was a fruitful Hanukah. Just think, one of those too-hot-to-hold-onto gifts may be coming your way soon... :)
Crank-out.
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