CRANKY NEW YORKER ON SPANDEX

There is an epidemic of bad decision making affecting Americans en masse. Worse, it may even be a global phenomenon. I hate to call further attention to it, but, as we all know, before you can fix a problem, you must first admit you have one. Here it is, plain and simple, Spandex. I know, maybe not what you were expecting in this age of east coast earthquakes, New York City hurricanes, and hippies occupying Wall Street (talk about an oxymoron...)

But as I live in the land of amusement parks, tourists and churros, I feel it's a critical problem to tackle. And no one is immune, as you will see, to this problem. The fact is, mainstream American clothing trends that celebrate the use of spandex and lingerie as everyday items worn as the backdrop, or worse - to accent one's outfit choices - is adding to our universal laziness and overall lack of personal responsibility. There, I said it. My grandmother, who was raised by a strict Austrian mother said it best, "It doesn't matter how you feel, it matters how you look." So, let's talk about how we look.

Let's start with Spandex. Don't get me wrong, I like spandex a lot. For working out. Yes, I said, for working out. The very nature of the word Spandex - which is an anagram for the word "expands" reflects its intended use. Spandex is meant for use in exercise. It was made so that you can be covered while your clothes expand with your yoga bends, your cross-fit lunges, and your boxing kicks. Spandex was not created and not intended for use as a permanent independent fashion item. Sure, plenty of clothiers include a percentage of spandex in their fabric blends for added comfort. But, clothing that is 100% Spandex is surely not intended to replace the "pant" in your pantsuits. I assure you, you do not look as "cool" in that Spandex as you think you do. And if you think we don't notice that you have replaced your "leggings" with standard yoga pants - think again. We do. Change it back.

Spandex is being abused by masses of Americans. The masses, if I may add, who really should not be wearing Spandex to begin with. I witness this daily - and I assure you it's a breach of the social contract. Oh come on, don't be so tame. You agree with me 100%. There are rules and etiquette that apply to the use of spandex (as an aside, these are the very same rules, by the way, that should apply to bikini use - but that's a summer topic). People somehow have fallen under the impression that Spandex is a right. It is not.

Plainly put: Spandex is NOT a right, Spandex is a privilege.

It is not fair for me to have to see the outline of your overly curvaceous backside, not to mention your aggressive muffin top. And what of the FUPA? I can't even go there. To quote Cindi Lauper - Gag me.

I fear we Americans have slid into a culture that has lost a sense of discretion. When I was growing up, my parents wouldn't even allow us to wear denim on an airplane. It was a special passage, a passage reserved for a skirt and stockings, or, at the very least, a lovely pantsuit. I remember the first time my father and mother spotted a family in matching sweat-suits (we were flying to Newark of course), blasphemy! They covered my eyes, and spouted "never-evers" to my siblings and I. But then, as time passed, we became the exception and sweat-suits became the rule. And then they started showing up everywhere. Brunches, dinners, teas (well not teas - most of those well mannered enough to appreciate tea do not wear spandex or sweat-suits as a rule). You get it. It was a slippery slope, and we went down fast.

Before we knew it, sweat-suits and spandex had become high fashion items with entire sectors of the fashion industry dedicated to them and once exclusive store fronts on Madison Avenue showcasing them. Surely we never imagined in the 1980s that sweat suits would earn a section in the coveted corners of Bergdorf Goodman. So where did we go wrong? I keep asking myself when it happened exactly. Was it the late 80's? The mid-90's? And what was the tipping point? Was it the deregulation of the airlines? (My least favorite Ronald Reagan move, FYI). I get the comfort level, sure. They are easy to move around in when you travel. But the low rise sweat-suit on an oversized behind on a commercial aircraft? Yuck. Just what I want to have in my face when you bend down to re-tie your shoes in the security line, not to mention the eye-level shot of your plumbers crack as you slide by my extra leg room seat on the airplane.

And what of lingerie as external to your sensible clothing fashion? Today, young girls leave the house in boxer shorts and bras, barely covered by the offensive "wife-beater" tank top that pretends to hide their young, still buoyant, chests. Newsflash, that is not clothing. It is underwear. Not that I have anything against underwear. I just don't want to see it. Sexy lingerie was meant for the bedroom or the brothel. Not the street. As I say on other subjects, if you can't keep it in your pants, then keep it at home.

But these are not just problems that plague the masses. Manhattan struggles with its own spandex dilemma. So let me just come out with it: The Birkin Bag does not an outfit make. There, I said it. I feel better. So here's my message to all of you Birkin Bag owners. You cannot pair the Birkin with spandex and lingerie. It doesn't matter that your bag is $12,000 if you dumb it down with spandex - yes, even if it's LuLu Lemon. FYI: It's just NOT chic. Not at all in fact. You can carry your uber-expensive bag around all day, but it still does not give you carte-blanche to dress like a slob around it.

Carrying the Birkin is a responsibility. It doesn't just deserve respect, it commands respect. Would Jackie O have paired a Birkin with Spandex? Would she have ever worn Spandex in public at all? I say NO! And I think we should all abide by Jackie O. Wouldn't the world just be a much prettier place if we all thought to ourselves every day, "what would Jackie O do?" Perhaps in the absence of Jackie O's influence it's time for Hermes to release a set of rules to go along with the purchase of Birkins. Yes, a Birkin Bag Code Of Conduct, if you will.

Here are some suggestions:

"I the undersigned, in purchasing this $12,000+ bag, agree to adhere to the following rules of engagement when wearing my Birkin Bag".

While toting my Birkin bag, I will not:

1) wear Juicy clothing (Couture or otherwise)
2) wear sweat pants, sweat shirts, or full sweat-suits
3) wear spandex
4) take my Birkin Bag to the gym with me (even if it's a private gym)
5) where it with extra tall Ugg boots in warm weather with a short skirt and no stockings (seriously!?)
6) wear it with still visible Botox injection marks on my face
7) take it to birthday parties in an attempt to compete with the other pre-school parents
8) make it the topic of conversation at a dinner party, luncheon, discussion, cocktail or any other venue where I open my mouth and try to make it a topic of conversation - even if the other person initiated said conversation.
9) wear it when I am volunteering in an area of the city where the cost of the bag is more than the annual household income of the families I am trying to help
10) Oh, and of course, I agree to abide by the "forced casual terms of the Birkin look" and therefore, will keep the bag detached from its locking mechanism, placing the upper flap inside the bag, leaving the bag essentially unsecured so that any pick-pocket on Madison avenue can have easy access to my wallet (after all, that's okay, at $12,000 per bag - I can afford to periodically give up my wallet to someone who needs it more).

But, back to spandex. My final thoughts, a plea if you will. For those of you out there who are currently parenting the young, sassy tween and teen set - please - break the cycle now. Just say no - NO to spandex, NO to the external use of lingerie, NO to these items in your core wardrobe. Say yes to stockings, leggings, tights (preferably with skirts that travel past the lower buttocks) and pants. Travel only in jeans at the very least (besides, who wants to be separated from those dirty seats by a material as porous as spandex anyway). And be diligent about these rules. Sure, debt is a HUGE problem in this country, but let's start with the problems we can truly affect in our daily lives. Let's start with personal, visual accountability. If not for you, do it for the sake of your children and their future.

And PS - one glaring contradiction, or shall we call this my indemnity clause, if you come to visit me in San Diego, do give me a heads up - because I definitely break the Spandex rule every day all day... What would Jackie O say? What I always say in SoCal: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em...

Cranky out (for now...).