Sharing Is Caring

Sharing is caring, unless of course you don't care to share. The complicated issue of sharing is ever present as you go through life. We must share the roads, share our space, share our time. As a toddler, human instinct dominates and things seem pretty straight forward. But the "S" word has become something of a dirty word in progressive toddler programs and parks across America. Taking turns, standing in line, and first come first are all means by which people have tried to suffocate the basic human need to horde and say "mine!". This daily dilemma leads to many sticky situations. The old, "no, you first, after you, really you were here first" scenario with a stranger at the bank or the supermarket; or the awkward division of the overhead compartment space on an airplane. Over time, socialization tempers this basic instinct and we grow into sharing, thoughtful adults. But at the heart of it all lies that same personality tempered by years of reprimand by our parents and teachers. And rarely is the issue quite as humorous as when you are dining with friends and family. Sharing, in a meal setting, becomes an almost arcane game of chess, one that exposes the most basic instincts of people you think you know well, and demands clarification. First, some background on personality.
There are all kinds of eaters. The aggressive eater, the disgruntled-aggressive eater, the passive eater, and the passive-aggressive eater. A foray into the large group meal dynamic exposes the sharing tendencies of each category of eater.

My great grandfather, for example, was an aggressive eater. He hated to share, but he loved to eat. He would order a duplicate of whatever he wanted for the table just so he didn't have to share. That way, anyone who wanted some could have it, while he could be left in peace to enjoy his meal. An aggressive eater also describes the eater who wants more than just his or her own meal, often ordering an extra dish or two outside of their primary order so that he or she can have a bite (or in some cases almost that whole extra dish). The aggressive eater is a great dinner companion, so having him/her around is always an added bonus, if you like food that is. Not only do you get your meal, you also get lots of other things on the menu.

A sub-category of aggressive eater, is the disgruntled-aggressive eater (me). The disgruntled-aggressive eater is the highest form of aggressive eater. The person who loves to eat, loves the food and is quietly exhilarated that the extra dish is being ordered. The difference between the true aggressive eater and this person, though, is that the disgruntled-agressive eater hates to waste food. His/She is the person who wants the extra dish, loves the extra dish, but almost never orders the extra dish, because they know they will end up eating all the extra food from the aggressive eater who orders the extra dish that is not eaten by everyone at the table. The aggressive-disgruntled eater is usually the person who heard a lot of phrases in their childhood like, "your eyes are bigger than your stomach", "order only what you can eat", or "some little boys and girls have nothing to eat." You can also call this person the guilty eater. And they are great to have around in order to fully maximize the value of your shared meals.

Then there's the passive eater. The passive eater is the person who really doesn't care about the food. They think two bites are delicious, but unlike the aggressive eater, food doesn't permeate their daily decision making, and they are happy to go anywhere and share anything (boring!). Nonetheless, they are always happy to come along and provide good company. The passive eater does sometimes come with quirks, however. They are often, ironically, the one who says they never eat dessert, but will always take a bite when it arrives. You know, the "I never eat sweets, but this is so good" person. So having them around is a bonus too, even if the bonus is just the hilarity of listening to he or she say the same silly thing meal after meal about sweets.

My favorite though (or maybe just my favorite to watch), is the passive aggressive eater. This is the person who says they aren't really hungry, doesn't really want any of the extra food being ordered, but in fact, is hungry and really wants most of the extra food on the table. This is the most annoying eater. You will know a passive aggressive eater is at the table almost immediately. This is how. When the extra dish arrives, this person will take a quick (usually the first) bite, then pass the plate quickly, watching it attentively as it makes its way around the table, until it ends up back in front of them, where they can continue to consume it until the last bite, which they will coyly leave on the table to make it look like they haven't really eaten that much (a point we can get into a little later). Sometimes, this person will forgo the first bite, waiting to see if anyone notices the dish has arrived. The end result is the same though, he or she will instead grab the plate and pass it quickly so it makes its way around the table and ends up back in front of them (if it stops somewhere along the way, as often happens, they will do a subtle reach to make sure it gets to them, or they will ask the person that it has landed in front of to pass it on, after, of course, asking them if they've had a bite).

If you don't order the extra dish, the passive aggressive eater will want a bite anyway. My mother (who I adore) is a passive aggressive eater. A typical exchange with this type of eater is characterized by moments where, at a meal, they stare longingly at what you are eating. The exchange begins with the passive aggressive eater offering you, and the entire table, a bite of what they are eating - even if it's tripe (which they know you have no interest in eating). Next step is to glance again ever so slightly at your plate, and around the table to the others, usually settling back into a long stare at one particular dish. Then he or she will offer a second taste targeted to the diner whose food he/she really wants to taste. To the unwitting diner, this might not be apparent. The unwitting diner will take the bait, offering a bite to aggressor, who then, in true passive aggressive form, will coyly pause, wonder and then say, "it's okay - you don't really have that much there." The unwitting diner will say "really, I have plenty" to which the passive aggressive eater will agree, and then carefully watch the construction of the bite for him/her, making sure the size is right, and that all elements of the dish are included in the bite being passed to them. When you endure this torture often, you may end up like me with my mother - where the receipt of the stare is often accompanied with a snide sidebar such as, " I know you want it - so just pass me your fork", or an up-front intervention to avoid the exchange, such as asking the passive aggressive eater for his or her bread plate as the entree arrives. One thing is clear though, without the passive aggressive eater, the aggressive eater could not thrive, and vice versa.

The most noteworthy topic that involves the passive aggressive eater has got to be the last bite. Truly one of my most cherished dynamics. What is it about the last bite? No one seems to want to eat it, no matter what. It's a thing of folklore really. Surely Seinfeld should have done an episode about this, if he didn't. No one seems to want the last bite, not only when it's not your own, but especially not when it's shared. You can eat an entire bowl of spaghetti Carbonara, but if you leave the last bite, it's like you have somehow not eaten the whole thing, and you've mentally shaved 500 calories off the dish. I am sure when nutrition gurus came up with the idea of leaving something on your plate to practice self control, they didn't mean to leave one-twelfth of an inch of a square of pasta.

My favorite last bite dynamic comes into play with the shared plate for the table. I tracked the incidence this weekend while I was traveling friends to be sure. At each large group meal, we ordered several shared dishes. Inevitably at the end of each course, when it came time for the waiter to pick up the dishes, there was one bite left on each plate. In a few restaurants, we'd be offered the last bite by whomever was clearing the table - at which time, each person (who admitted to paying attention) would look around and see if there were any takers. Usually, the person who really wanted the last bite would ask each person at the table if they wanted it, and then watch disheartened while the plate would disappear in the bus boys' uncaring hands into the kitchen with the last bite still intact. And, of course, there is usually more than one passive aggressive eater in the big group, so its even more fun to observe. The second passive aggressive eater behavior is manifested as the person who pretends to ignore the waiter or bus boy when they ask the last bite question, so as not to let on to the other diners at the table that they too would love to eat that last morsel of that delicious extra dish (often the one dish they really wanted to order, but felt to guilty to order on their own). If you watch closely, you can see that person fidget and actually move in their seat. You can see them slowly lose attention and become distracted. They are like contortionists, keeping there head directly targeted to the conversation most closely at hand, while their eyes dance widely around the room following the bus boys' clumsy movements as he grabs the dish with the last bite, and recklessly stacks another on top of it.
But one thing is certain, even with the aggressive, and agressive-disgrunled eater at the table, the last bite will never be eaten. Usually it would be taken on by the aggressive-disgruntled eater, but by the end of multiple course dinners, even that eater is filled to the gills - leaving him or her not only uncomfortably full, but yes, disgruntled to be wasting the shared plate.

So be nice people. Be sensitive. When sharing a meal, try to be more be conscious of the food sharing personalities of your fellow diners and attend to their needs. Chances are, if you listen and watch at your next shared meal, you will see exactly what I am talking about. So try to cut back, offer a bite, or get ahead of an uncomfortable passive aggressive food confrontation by ordering the extra plate. It's a no win game, one which can only be rivaled by the division of the bill at the end of the evening. But that's conversation for another day. Until then, eat well, play nice, and don't forget to save the last bite for me...