Cranky New Yorker's New Years' Resolution

I want to start by wishing you all a very happy and healthy 2012 - I hope this year brings you great happiness and peace.

Now, onto my new years' resolution. If you are hoping or even thinking that my new years' resolution is to un-crank, well, sorry, not going to happen. After a brief respite on the right coast, returning to the southwest corner of nowhere, specifically at the intersection of laid back and off kilter, has made me sufficiently cranky. So let me resolve to set a resolution that I can keep. In the year 2012, I do solemnly swear not to forward any chain letters of any kind to my beloved family and friends, acquaintances and colleagues.

I hate chain letters. Really. I hate them. I know you do too. I mean, who starts these things anyway? Do they just go around and around in circles? Is there a point at which they just stop? Do the same people get them all the time? Has anyone ever actually had a tangible improvement in their life post sending one? So many questions. So few answers. But one consistent feeling. Hate. We all hate them! I got one the other day. Second one in a month from the same person. She must hate me - right? I think so. I told her (no names of course Keri), not to do it anymore. The entire concept of chain letters is completely unnerving to me because I am incredibly superstitious and riddled with Jewish guilt. So not only are they annoying to begin with, for me it's a double burden. First, I feel completely guilty not sending them because I'm certain I will be the only one to break the chain. (Oh, and by the way - same for those silly recipe and book buying clubs for those of you have been sending those - oops, I didn't send on). Second, I am convinced that if I don't send them on, I will be the victim of some terrible circumstance, like having the Ronald McDonald float at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade knock over a light post and land on my head (also horrific because I'm terrified of clowns). Rationally speaking we all know chain letters don't work, and that they have no real relevance. But it's unfair to send a chain letter to an obsessive compulsive, abnormally superstitious, guilt-prone person like me. It's just plain mean.

So today, I have decided to break the cycle. A new year, a new day. I am done with them! So, to you who sent it to me the other day - hear me now. The buck stops here. You can no longer prey on my guilt and my devout superstitiousness to proliferate your karma Ponzi scheme and manifest your hypothetical good luck. You are on your own. And, by the way, I don't believe that the simple act of pressing "forward" on your outlook, and then pasting in eight names of people who you think won't mind that you have sent it to them, will bring you good luck. And, FYI, we do mind. All eight of us. So DELETE me from your "chain letter distribution list." And for those of you who have me on your list as well, take me off - because I will not be your good energy mule. And for all of you who have been on my list in the past, you are off.

Ah, the list. So interesting. When I got the email the other day it got me thinking. How sweet - she always thinks of me for these things. She must really want me to have good luck. Hardly. She had the same thought I did... Crap. Crap. Crap. I can't be the one to end this thing - this, THIS is bigger than me. This is karma we're talking about, and it's a new year. Crap. Who am I going to send this to...? It has to be the exact list of people who won't block me from future communication because they are so annoyed that I sent it to them. So, hmm. Well, first, it can include that group that always sends them to me, ex the one who just sent it to me - annoying. Second, it should definitely have that element of people who are big enough suckers that they will continue to perpetuate the myth of the letter. And third, most importantly, it can be people who like me, but don't really hear from me that much - so they'll be happy just to hear from me no matter what the content. Ah yes, my friend. I know why you put me on that list. So here's a tip, I am NOT excited to hear from you. I don't really care. If you want to send me an email, in the future, give me something to chew on. Something with substance. I saw a great video with a catchy tune called "fry that chicken" on you tube. My friend Dawn sent it. It made me laugh. Why couldn't you send me something like that? Or Justin Timberlake's "Dick In Box" video from Saturday Night Live - a classic. I wouldn't mind getting that link.

And so, this allows me to address one of my biggest problems with email in general. It's too easy. It breeds no character, and it makes communication, good or bad, too simple. Think of how many things you might not have said in 2011 if you hadn't had immediate access to email in order to vent your frustrations. Think of how many controversial emails you saw that you weren't supposed to, until the sender accidentally hit "reply all." And think of how much nicer, how much more subtle and respectful all of those conversations might have been in person, if you had had to see them face to face in order to say what you wanted to say. Of course I am not saying I don't love email. I do. I love it. Hate chain letters, love email. After all, I would be stuck in this corner of the world alone and talking pretty much only to myself, stuck with all these thoughts roaming around my head if I couldn't access you all so readily. Twitter and Facebook, love em. Al Gore - love him. After all - where would the internet be without him? But with the good, comes the bad and the annoying. Chain letters, they are annoying. Imagine what would have happened to the chain letter if you still had to Xerox them (yes, I used the word Xerox), write out eight actual envelopes, stamp and mail them. The answer is, they would be dead. Who in the world would go through all that trouble. Certainly not the internet generation. If you said to a young kid today that you were going to mail a chain letter - you'd be dead in the modern world.

So, in reviewing the events of 2011. I thought to myself, what can I do to improve the world in 2012? In the era of the rise of Tim Tebow as an NFL sensation and a new Presidential election cycle, what can I do to make an impact? Kill the chain letter. That's right, we all know it would make people happy. Out with the occupy wall street movement, and in with the kill the chain letter movement. It's a portable kind of movement and you don't even have to leave your house to fulfill its mission. All you have to do, is do nothing. It's perfect! Do nothing. Just don't forward those letters. Let's simplify our lives and give ourselves one less thing to do.

So, while I wish you a happy new year, at the same time, I would like to appeal to your good senses. I urge you to make a commitment to make other people's lives easier and not prey on those more superstitious than ourselves. No more chain letters or emails of any kind. And if you send them to me, you can bet it's going nowhere... I will not pass it on. This house of cards ends with me.

Happy 2012. Re-gifting is the next topic. It was a fruitful Hanukah. Just think, one of those too-hot-to-hold-onto gifts may be coming your way soon... :)

Crank-out.